to the 4th floor: February 2015

Friday, February 27, 2015

Dwindling

The days are dwindling away until my body is finally mine again. After 4 kids, I'll be honest, I am looking forward to it. Yet, tonight I felt an overwhelming sadness as I nursed and rocked my little babe to sleep. So much so... that I couldn't stop crying about it.

Teething has started up again. Cara has one of her top teeth already out and the next one is now following pursuit. Teething has affected her the most out of all my children. She gets pretty cranky during the day, wakes up a little more often at night, and the last time her tooth was coming out I had to rock her to sleep one night just to comfort her, which I have never done with her before! The downside of having a well sleep-trained baby is that she falls asleep best in her crib. But I happily did it because I got to watch her fall asleep in my arms. I got to watch her big beautiful eyes stare up at me and slowly gain heaviness with every blink. I got to watch her chest ease up with every breathe. And I got to pause time as I stood there watching her realizing that nothing in the world mattered at that moment but holding my baby.
Tonight as the second top tooth erupts she woke up screaming soon after putting her down for the night which is not normal. So I nursed her and laid her back down. That didn't work. And since rocking worked so well last time I went back in and did just that again.

It was heavenly.

Again, I got to watch her warm little body slowly and perfectly conform to my body as I motioned her into calmness. Again I watched her eyes slowly droop into absolute peace.
I just stared at her perfect little face once she feel asleep. Her hair was sticking up from her bath tonight. Her pacifier was cutely moving up and down. Her right hand was in a little fist gently placed on my chest. I grabbed her little hand and forced my finger to be wrapped by her little fingers. And I kissed those tiny precious fingers repeatedly.

I don't know what it was about tonight, but it was a very tangible feeling of sadness that before I know it, this stage of nursing and holding my babies in my arms is almost over. It was the kind of tangible feeling that you can almost reach into your heart and hold it because it hurts so much. How can this stage be almost over? Who pressed fast forward in my life?? Never again can I go back in time to this moment. Can't I just hold my babies forever? I'm not ready to let go.

So I just cried.
The tears were joyous tears as well. I am filled with joy that I got to be a mother of 4 incredibly beautiful, healthy children. I am filled with joy that I currently still have a baby in my arms who loves me, feels safe with me, wants to be with me and that I can fill her every physical need no matter how exhausting it may be.

The only great thing about knowing that these days are my last ones is that I have purposefully enjoyed it all to the fullest. It sure ain't easy, but man, I love being a mother.