Monday, September 7, 2009

I miss you.

Dear Marisa,

I know this past month has been hard for you. So much changed so fast. I don't blame you for feeling ignored or frustrated as Mommy and Daddy's attention has suddenly focused intensely on your new little sister.

But despite the recent chaos, I want you to know that I still love you with all my heart. And nothing will ever replace the special bond that we have. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank my Father above for sending me such a precious gift. A gift of having a beautiful little girl, and a gift of personally knowing a beautiful mother-daughter relationship. I love you more than you will ever know or ever understand, baby. But I do hope that you at least know that, I LOVE YOU.

Lately, this new change has been hard for me as well. I hate having to tell you, "No, I can't", or "I'm busy, wait", when you ask me to play with you, read to you, help you, etc. What I really hate the most is having to tell you no when you ask me to hold you. It absolutely breaks my heart when you come to me with your big brown eyes full of tears asking me "Mommy, hold you?" and I can't. It hurts so bad, Marisa. I want to baby, I really do. And it nearly kills me when you stand there or walk away after with even more intense tears and with such an abandoned look on your face when I can't hold you in my arms. There is nothing more excrutiating than that for me.

I'm so sorry for ignoring you.

I'm even more sorry that I have not been patient with you lately. I'm sorry that I get mad easily and extremely sorry that I have been taking out my high-stress and major lack of sleep on you. It's not fair to you.

But I do miss you. I miss us.

I miss the many precious moments of us cuddling, your arm around my neck, our foreheads touching, and falling asleep together every night for months, especially while Daddy was in busy season.
I also miss naptime together and falling asleep with your little hand wrapped around one of my fingers.
I miss watching tv together. Especially, Dancing with the Stars. =o) You are such a good little dancer.
I miss dancing together.
I miss taking walks together. Finding baby frogs, leaves, and lots of rocks!
I miss reading books to you. Even if it was over and over again.
I miss teaching you new things and watching you excitedly taking it all in.
I miss being able to drop whatever I am doing and play with you for as long and as hard as you want to.
I miss playing with you and making you laugh until you have a hard time breathing. So funny...
And I miss laughing together. Just the two of us.

I miss just the two of us...

But I promise Marisa over time everything will get better and get back to how things were. And guess what? We can now add Natalie to our little circle and continue the fun with even more smiles and laughter. Fun, huh!

Thank you for being a wonderful and helpful big sister. You really are so great and sweet to Natalie and such a trooper for Mommy and Daddy as we try to figure out baby Natalie. Your giggles, funny facial expressions, funny sayings, and your ball of energy is what fuels my energy and keeps me going as a Mommy. Thank you for being such an amazing daughter.

I love you big girl.

And I miss you.



LieslPie said...

tanya, if anyone knows how you feel it's ME!!!! i've felt soooo bad from day ONE for not having enough time or enough arms to give each girl attention. i just know the feeling you were describing. just so you know, even though they are young i think they understand (either that or they'll just get over it...haha). i can tell that you are doing a good job!!

kristenharris said...


I don't know how you feel, but I've been planning the day I bring another baby into our home for almost 2 years now. It is so hard to imagine someone else coming into my life with Carson. I can only hope that Carson will understand, and will remember these times that we have had just the two of us. It's scary, and sad to me to think that one day it won't just be Carson and me. But-- I know he's lonely now without another sibling. I know he wants someone to play with--- he asks me all the time for a brother or sister to play with... so, just keep that in mind when you are feeling sad. Marisa knows you love her very much! You're a good mom--- I know you're just super tired-- and feeling uneasy about the changes.

Maybe what you should do is have a full day of just Tim and Marisa. Disneyland, or something very special for just the two of them... and once Natalie is a little older, you can do that with you and Marisa.

I wish it wasn't $300 for me to fly out there-- otherwise I'd come help you tomorrow!!! I love you girl, stay strong!

Keep that letter to day she'll write you a letter telling you how grateful she is that you gave her a sister to love, just like you and Leslie!

The Lambs said...

You put exactly into words how I feel with Austin- it made me cry! It's so true that you get a pit in your stomach when they just want you attention and you don't have it to give. I'm so glad you documented that- it will be a treasure for marissa for years to come. And she'll probably say, but I'm so glad we have Natalie now! You are amazing Tanya. Thanks for letting us come over the other night and hang out with you.

Megan said...

I can't imagine what it will be like to have two. i am totally not ready for that challenge. best of luck and i'll be asking you for advise when (and IF) I get to taht stage. much love.

Parkinson Family said...

totally understand, but soon enough you wont remember this phase and everything will be fine!! something that has helped me when the kids want my attention and i cant give it to them... i have these emergency kits i call them, i go to the dollar store or find random toys and things and i put them in brown paper bags, i have them in my closet downstairs...when the kids start to get a little whiny cause i cant help them, i tell them to go in the closet and get a special bag, they open it and its got something totaly random and "cool" that they've never had before and it gets their mind of me and they're entertained for a little bit....i hope that makes sense :) but its worked for me in troubled times :)


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