I constantly feel like I fail as a mother. Like I don't do enough. Or that I'm not enough. I know that I'm not alone when I say that at the end of each day I go to bed with "Mom guilt."
But I'm trying. I try to pray more for help, for guidance. I felt inspired the other day that I needed to tell my girls how I really feel about them. Our days are so busy and packed that I don't have the time to just lay down and have that one on one time with them individually.
Last night, I decided to do just that.
I started with Marisa. I tucked her in bed and quietly whispered to her how grateful I was for her and her help around the house. I told her she was a fantastic big sister for watching her little brother for me many, many times. I told her it wasn't an easy job to do that and I truly appreciated it. I told her she was special to me and that her dad and I love her.
What came next, surprised me. She started to rub her eyes and had a quiet sob. I asked her what she was thinking and she said, "I just feel the spirit."
For one, I am so grateful that she is learning to identify how the spirit works for her. The spirit speaks to us all differently. And I sure am glad that the spirit was able to allow her to feel that what I was saying was true and real.
I climbed up to the top bunk and repeated telling my feelings to Natalie. Natalie just said, "I love you too, Mom," and gently closed her eyes and curled up right next to me. I'm an awe that all her fears melt away and that she feels so safe being next to me. I'm her protector. And she knows that. She feels that. It is a humbling experience to be a mother.
I have come to realize that even though I knew my daughters needed to hear me say these things, Heavenly Father also knew that by doing so I heard from my daughters what I needed to hear.
That I'm doing alright as a mom.