Sunday, March 11, 2012

I'm just going to put it all out there...

I am still not pregnant.

It is a no surprise to you all that I am a major planner in all areas of my life. And yes, I even plan the exact month I would like my children to born in!
We have been trying for baby #3 for awhile now and it has been quite the rocker to MY plans that it hasn't happened yet. But obviously, I think Heavenly Father has a different plan for me, for us right now. Or there is at least some bigger picture I need to have faith in.

With both of my girls I conceived in the 2nd month of trying. Easy, right? Why would the third time around be any different?
After the 2nd month of trying to get pregnant and getting a negative result I kinda got a little puzzled but I thought, "Oh well, for sure the 3rd month I will be pregnant." Almost certain I was pregnant, I was shocked when yet again, I got another negative. How did it not happen? I honestly grew rather frustrated and kinda sad. Like any woman, day after day I daydreamed of yet another little one in my arms. Another baby to love, another baby to name, another baby to feel growing inside me, another unique child to our little family. And to have it not come when "planned" was hard to swallow.

The 4th month was the hardest. I was pretty devastated. I walked out of the bathroom, walked into Tim's arms and cried. I cried pretty hard and for awhile. Just devastated. I just want a baby!
Once Tim left for work, the doubts and fears and irrational thoughts of feeling failure quickly set in. I immediately googled everything that could be wrong with me, with us. Will I ever have another child? Is this really it? Am I done with this stage of life? Do I have secondary infertility? My kids are going to be so far apart! I should have tried conceiving sooner! etc. etc.

Now, I have many friends and family members who have tried anywhere from months to years to conceive with no luck, or with later luck. I have friends who have successfully adopted, and even have friends who are currently in the process of IVF! I am in no way, taking away the pain or spotlight from their struggles. I know I really don't have room to complain. I'm fully aware that my thoughts are crazy and in the grand scheme of things what really is a few months in trying?? But I think the desire of wanting children, expanding your family, having that complete joy of a positive pregnancy test is the same for everyone, no matter how long you wait for it.

So for me, it has been easy to get pregnant. I have been very blessed. I know that. But to say that I am not sad about going on half a year already trying to conceive is not fair to me either. Everyone has their own personal struggles.

So here I am with no success on the 5th month and trying to look forward to the 6th month. Am I sad? Most certainly. But after much prayer, and amazing support from my hubby and close friends, I have learned to put full trust in the Lord with this matter and have faith that he knows the bigger picture. Whatever that picture is.
I really have full comfort in that.
Tim and I have learned a lot in this process so far as well. We have learned to appreciate our own girls even that much more. It's not that we didn't before, it's just that we really see that bringing a child into this life really is nothing less than a miracle! What precious gifts we have already. Gifts sent straight from heaven into our home, into our hearts. What a beautiful miracle it is to be a mother. What a beautiful plan God has set forth for me and what a beautiful divine responsibility He has given me as co-creator with Him. I look forward to adding another little laughter, another little smile into our family whenever that time is right...


s.calder said...

We'll be thinking of you guys and remembering you in our prayers!

Aubrey said...

Thank you so much for this post Tanya! I have been experiencing the same exact thing. With Colton, I was pregnant month one and so when we decided to have number two I thought for sure it was a fluke when I didn't get pregnant after the first month and now we are on month 11 with still no luck. I have cried, felt guilty for being sad because I already have one, convinced myself that my eggs are dead, been mad at myself for "wasting" so much time before I started having babies,and so many more complletely irrational thoughts but yet they all seem so real when you look down at that negative pregnancy test. Its funny how now when Colton wants to be rocked to sleep I jump at the opportunity because I am so scared that I won't have the chance to rock a baby to sleep again. I don't think being sad or talking about it takes anything away from anyone elses struggles, I think its a chance to help and to get help from other girls who are going through the exact same thing. Thanks for posting about it Tanya!

BWei said...

I can certainly empathize after trying for over five years and then unexpectedly getting pregnant again. Looking back, the time has gone by quickly but in the moment there is a lot of doubt, guilt, worry, and despair. One of the things I've learned is that the Lord loves you and is in no way "punishing" or "withholding blessings"--sometimes these things just happen, and it will be a blessing to your family as you turn to the Lord and treasure the time. That being said, hopefully it will be a much shorter time for you! :-)

Stephanie said...

:( I'm sorry Tanya. I know that has to be frustrating and sad when you are wanting it so bad. I hope it happens soon for you!

Janna said...

I'm glad you posted this. We have been trying for a few months too. It had been over 6 weeks since my last period. I took 3 tests and they were all negative but I still thought the absence of my period was a bigger sign. I have had a false negative before. I'm not pregnant. Maybe we will have twin cousin babies.


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